Riding the Wave

Right now I am riding on a wave of contentedness and acceptance.

I did not get into graduate school and this made me quite upset. I cried. I cursed the world. I am fucking pissed (yes, enough to curse!) because I want to start school and begin the next chapter in my life. I don't want to wait anymore and "waste time." I HATE when things do not go as planned. How frustrating is that, right??? But, I know that things do not always go as planned. And although in the grand scheme of things I don't necessarily believe in the notion that, "things happen for a reason," I do wonder if the universe has some sort of weird cosmic plan for us all. I am atheist. I do not believe in a higher power that controls us or put us on this earth.

But the universe is crazy and magnificent and there are energies out there. I have no control of these energies or control over my own life, it seems. Everything feels random at times. Yet it all falls into place in unexplainable ways. I am content with unexplainable things, whereas others might need religion or dogma to explain the beauty around them.
I bask in it.

Imagine there's no heaven, my dear Six-Billionth, and at once the sky's the limit

"And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. "

Therefore, I let myself get upset and cry and threw a pity party. And then I let out a big, deep breath, and realized, hey, it isn't the end of the world. This is just the way things are and other opportunities will present themselves. This is your life! This is the way it is supposed to be. You are young, healthy, and have a wonderful boyfriend, a roof over your head, and even a good head on your shoulders.




So, I've moved on...
The past couple of days, I've baked my first (apple) pie...ugly as it was, it tasted delicious...

I laughed with Mirza as we put up the Christmas tree and attempted to take a "family portrait"...

This afternoon I decided I've been seriously lacking in the department of being outdoors and getting my Vitamin D, so I grabbed some magazines, my sad point-and-shoot camera (still waiting on the DSLR to ship!), a towel, and headed to the beach.

I soaked up the sun and read an article titled, "The Sun Always Rises" by Katie Holcombe from the December 2010 issue of Yoga Journal. The last few paragraphs really jumped out at me:

"While life -and-death predicaments like the one my friend experienced are thankfully not the norm, each of us faces our own 'snowstorms' of varying proportions every day. Maybe you don't get the job you wanted or receive the recognition that you feel you deserve. Life may present you with any number of heartbreaks in the form of death, loss, and disappointment. Each of  these instances is an opportunity to see that there can be great freedom and ease in letting go of illusion of control over your circumstances.

With this knowledge, you continue to act in the best way you know how, to the best of your ability. You still hope, dream, or pray for--and pursue--what you want from life. But when things don't go as you had hoped, you trust that there is an order beyond your knowing or understanding. You can move forward with the peace that comes from accepting that the outcome is out of your hands, through surrender to something much bigger. And you discover that even when circumstances are beyond your control, life often works out just fine, and sometimes even better than you could have imagined."

My January will not begin with books and classes regarding my career.  Instead, I will immerse myself in photography and yoga.

Today I signed up for a Beginning Digital Photography course at the Morean Arts Center. It begins January 11th. That same week, my Yoga Teacher Training will begin.

 What could be better than those two combined? I'd like to say, nothing.

the purpose of life for man is growth, just as the purpose of life for trees and plants is growth. trees and plants grow automatically and along fixed lines; man can grow as he will. trees and plants can only develop certain possibilities and characteristics; man can develop any power which is or has been shown by any person anywhere. nothing that is possible in spirit is impossible in flesh and blood. nothing that man can think is impossible. nothing that man can imagine is impossible of realization.

—
wallace wattles

Happy Thanksgiving

I worked a lovely 12 hour shift today for Thanksgiving, but now I'm home and I want to recap what

 I am thankful for...

...having two delicious Thanksgiving meals...one at Mirza's house. His mother worked 11pm-7am and then came home to cook for us.  It was the best meal....ever. Meal #2 was at work.

 (work meal)

....great coworkers who make working the holidays so easy and fun.
...getting paid time and 1/2 for the holidays $$ (bling!)
...my beautiful Max

...my AMAZINGLY talented and handsome Mirza

...the fact that in about a week, I will have this lovely contraption in my hands once it arrives by mail!!!!!!!

muahahahahah SO EXCITED!!

I'm new to DSLR and this is a nice, entry level camera to start my journey. Any tips are welcome!! I am clueless.
(oh, and I totally justified this purchase as, "well, since I'm not going to school in the Spring and I won't be buying books anymore, I was going to spend the money before anyway, sooooooo...)
Also wanted to add that I was between Nikon and the Canon Rebel. I know a lot of people use the Rebel, but I went to the store and felt out both of the cameras. Mirza and I both agreed that the Nikon just "felt" better. It was more solid and real. And since all of my previous point and shoots have been Nikon, I went with it!! I purchased it online for a great deal and am waiting a little longer since I opted for free shipping.

...Five days off now!

In case anyone cares, I just got the following email from USF:

We regret to inform you that your application to the USF College of Nursing for the Spring 2011 graduate program has been denied. All students are evaluated on the admission criteria as posted on our web site in addition to your personal interview. We did review your application for admission to the College of Nursing graduate program and thank you for interviewing with us. Unfortunately we had to deny many qualified applicants because limited seats were available. We appreciate your hard work and accomplishments and wish you the best in the future. If you are interested in reapplying, please update your term of entry with USF Graduate Admissions by emailing admissions@grad.usf.edu and reapply to the College of Nursing as well. You will not need to resubmit your official transcripts to us, but may need to resubmit supplemental documents if our templates have changed (resume, letters of recommendation, personal statement). Please refer to our website for further details: http://health.usf.edu/nocms/nursing/AdmissionsPrograms/Masters.html.




:(

personal statement!

Thanks everyone for the comments on my last post. It actually was therapeutic to write it all out and I am not going to delete it, despite some of the private information that I shared. Yesterday, even more drama occurred and I know that I need to distance myself further from this situation in order to live a healthy and normal life.

As for the nursing side of life...

Today at 1:20, I will be interviewing for the Grad program. My white, Ann Taylor suit has been dry cleaned and I have mentally prepared myself. I know that I have written the best personal statement that I could, received great letters of recommendations, and accomplished the most that I could in 2 years. There's not much more that I can do at this point besides do my best in the interview.

I'd like to share my personal statement on the blog, actually.

The requirements were to answer two questions in under two pages in APA format:
1)Explain why you have chosen your specific area of study in advanced practice nursing over other types of advanced practice nursing.

2) Describe your future as an advanced practice nurse (include type of clinical practice).

My statement:

            As a critical care Registered Nurse in the Medical Intensive Care unit, each 12-hour shift I work with a multidisciplinary team to provide care to the sickest and most complex of patient conditions. Many of our patients are attached to ventilators, assisting them to breathe from respiratory infections, or chronic illnesses, such as Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). Others are battling aggressive multisystem organ failure from a raging blood stream infection; their veins being pumped of intravenous medications to keep their blood pressure from dropping to dangerous levels, and strong antibiotics to fight sepsis.  Each of my patients has a story: a tale that is multifaceted; that weaves throughout the comings and goings of everyday, ordinary life. Their stories explain how they found themselves sick enough to be admitted to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). 

            Some patients are simply at the end of their lives, and they find themselves in the hands of healthcare providers trying to provide them with dignity as they take their last breath. However, others are struggling with chronic illnesses that have taken a turn for the worst, or conditions that have been poorly managed from the start.  As a future Advanced Practice nurse, my focus would be on responsible management of these illnesses, and preventive measures to keep my patients from becoming a statistic in the ICU. With a graduate focus on the primary adult population, I would see patients throughout their life continuum as they age.  As the cost of healthcare in America continues to rise, and the population becomes less able to afford to see primary care providers, children will grow into adulthood without the proper education and tools to prevent the common illnesses and complications that we encounter everyday in the acute care setting. As an Adult Nurse Practitioner, my goal is to provide the necessary preventive education, and help to refocus our entire system away from the sick-based model to one that encourages disease prevention and health promotion. Those are the reasons that I chose the Adult specialty over Family or any other area. I will be able to catch those adults that have slipped through the cracks in their health education, and provide the tools that they never received as a child.

            As a future Advance Practice nurse, my clinical practice would involve seeing patients in a primary care setting, specifically a doctor’s office. My clinical practice would consist of developing strong rapport and relationships with my patients, providing not only care when they are acutely ill, but through follow-up wellness visits. Through the close knit ties that I gain with my patients, I would be able to extend my skills, providing counseling and education to the community as a whole through walk-in clinics, health fairs, and general health promotion education to the public.  The goal for my clinical practice is to treat not only the individual patient’s that I see everyday, but also the community as a whole through encouraging others to lead a healthy lifestyle.

            As a graduate of the University of South Florida, I am confident that the College of Nursing will provide the best education and route for me to continue my career in nursing at the Advanced Practice level, and to again foster the same successful tools that I received in my undergraduate studies well into my graduate courses and beyond.

So, that's it. All of it true and how I feel about our society needing to get away from the sick based model of care and into something more preventive. Wish me luck!!

stream of consciousness

I feel like garbage today. i've had a headache for hours and no real appetite. i keep wanting to lay down and then i lay down and i want to get up. it's like i'm so uneasy. And i start to feel super anxious almost to the point of nauseous and on the verge of crying.

i don't get it.

i don't like it:(

So, all of my lab results came back normal. i had been worried that perhaps i was anemic and that's why i've felt so run down and tired. But they're normal. H/H stable, TSH within normal. My protein/albumin is good.
But i'm still tired and fatigue all.the.time.
My doctor asked me initially if i were under stress or feeling depressed. I laughed it off and said no, but it's obviously a lie. I am depressed at times and I cry for no reason at all. I have no real family support because my mom/stepdad/brother are all on drugs and alcoholics and every week there is some drama. I never posted it on here, but I had to bring my mom to the ER a few weeks ago because Jerry went on a rampage and threw the granite table on her head, causing an egg welt and i was concerned that she might have a concussion or internal bleeding. I had to make sure. And he went to jail for battery, but is apparantly out now.
The pills are ridiculous. They are on so many drugs. All prescription pain medication. Jerry has prescriptions, but they still buy them from people. And all of their money? GONE. They received $300,000 last year at this time. ALL OF IT IS GONE.
It is miserable. I don't want contact with them and as of the past couple of weeks, i really don't. They're too fucked in the head to have conversations with. I feel like i'm all alone sometimes, but I have Mirza. I have my sister who is normal, but she's in Boston, so there's that.
And i never mentioned that mom was even Baker Acted a month ago or so for taking all of her xanax and trying to die. She denies it, but spent a good week in the psych ward. FUN FUCKING TIMES. It's so fucked. How could i not be depressed from livving this way?!!

And money has been tight for me lately with paying for YTT. I feel like i never have any fucking money. I am always like budgeting and shit and i am sick of it. I fucking HATE IT.

And for the past couple of weeks, i have nightmares every.night. Normally, i remember lots of dreams each night. I am a vivid dreamer, but i sleep well and rarely have nightmares. But each night, someone is chasing me or trying to kill me or Mirza is cheating on me in a dream. It's all absurd!!!!!

So yes, Dr., i am under stress and feeling depressed at times. But it's hard for me to admit that in person. I don't know why. Is it possible to hide depression? Because i am sure no one who knows me, like coworkers would think i would ever be "depressed" since i am smiling and laughing at work...so then i wonder,AM I DEPRESSED? Can a truly depressed person be fine in one place, but as soon as they go home sit around the house and cry and be angry at life and have nightmares and feel panicy when not at work?

ugh.

I did manage to go on a bike ride the other day for about 20 minutes and yes, it felt good. But it was short and i got bored. And then i got depressed that i had to go alone because i wish i could do things like that with Mirza, but he was in school, as always. So i came home and sat on the couch for hours like i always do. on my computer. and searched craigslist for places to live even though my lease doesn't end until Feb 2, which is too far away for me to even find a place. what is my life coming to!? and i feel like i have no joy in anything. i used to love to exercise or cook. And now i barely even want to go into the kitchen. it's like everything is a chore. i didn't even have dinner last night. i had cookies. COOKIES. they were delicious, but that isn't...dinner. But i have moments when i am soo super happy and then moments when i am so...bla/monotone. headachy and shitty.

My favorite thing to do as a nurse....

I could not get warm yesterday at work. All day my fingers were like ice. It didn't help that we're having unusually low temperatures for this time of year in Florida; it was in the 40's when I got to work...which brings me to one of my favorite things to do as a nurse!

It's easy. It's simple. A monkey could do it. And I LOVE IT.

This is usually the scenario...

Sick patient, usually older comes into the ICU from the ER or floor. At this point, we're usually changing their gown and they are shivering, freezing..."I'm so...cold!"

And then I say, "Aw, I will go get you a warm blanket."

I doubt that they expect an actual HOT blanket, but that is what I bring them. A nice, toasty warm blanket from the warmer. Aaaaaah, it feels amazing, like pulled fresh from the drier.

You can feel their relief as you cover them.

You're pretty much golden after that.

Happy patient= happy family= happy NURSE.

This post was brought to you by: Nicole, who has nothing else worthy to post:)