Monday, November 15, 2010

stream of consciousness

I feel like garbage today. i've had a headache for hours and no real appetite. i keep wanting to lay down and then i lay down and i want to get up. it's like i'm so uneasy. And i start to feel super anxious almost to the point of nauseous and on the verge of crying.

i don't get it.

i don't like it:(

So, all of my lab results came back normal. i had been worried that perhaps i was anemic and that's why i've felt so run down and tired. But they're normal. H/H stable, TSH within normal. My protein/albumin is good.
But i'm still tired and fatigue all.the.time.
My doctor asked me initially if i were under stress or feeling depressed. I laughed it off and said no, but it's obviously a lie. I am depressed at times and I cry for no reason at all. I have no real family support because my mom/stepdad/brother are all on drugs and alcoholics and every week there is some drama. I never posted it on here, but I had to bring my mom to the ER a few weeks ago because Jerry went on a rampage and threw the granite table on her head, causing an egg welt and i was concerned that she might have a concussion or internal bleeding. I had to make sure. And he went to jail for battery, but is apparantly out now.
The pills are ridiculous. They are on so many drugs. All prescription pain medication. Jerry has prescriptions, but they still buy them from people. And all of their money? GONE. They received $300,000 last year at this time. ALL OF IT IS GONE.
It is miserable. I don't want contact with them and as of the past couple of weeks, i really don't. They're too fucked in the head to have conversations with. I feel like i'm all alone sometimes, but I have Mirza. I have my sister who is normal, but she's in Boston, so there's that.
And i never mentioned that mom was even Baker Acted a month ago or so for taking all of her xanax and trying to die. She denies it, but spent a good week in the psych ward. FUN FUCKING TIMES. It's so fucked. How could i not be depressed from livving this way?!!

And money has been tight for me lately with paying for YTT. I feel like i never have any fucking money. I am always like budgeting and shit and i am sick of it. I fucking HATE IT.

And for the past couple of weeks, i have nightmares every.night. Normally, i remember lots of dreams each night. I am a vivid dreamer, but i sleep well and rarely have nightmares. But each night, someone is chasing me or trying to kill me or Mirza is cheating on me in a dream. It's all absurd!!!!!

So yes, Dr., i am under stress and feeling depressed at times. But it's hard for me to admit that in person. I don't know why. Is it possible to hide depression? Because i am sure no one who knows me, like coworkers would think i would ever be "depressed" since i am smiling and laughing at then i wonder,AM I DEPRESSED? Can a truly depressed person be fine in one place, but as soon as they go home sit around the house and cry and be angry at life and have nightmares and feel panicy when not at work?


I did manage to go on a bike ride the other day for about 20 minutes and yes, it felt good. But it was short and i got bored. And then i got depressed that i had to go alone because i wish i could do things like that with Mirza, but he was in school, as always. So i came home and sat on the couch for hours like i always do. on my computer. and searched craigslist for places to live even though my lease doesn't end until Feb 2, which is too far away for me to even find a place. what is my life coming to!? and i feel like i have no joy in anything. i used to love to exercise or cook. And now i barely even want to go into the kitchen. it's like everything is a chore. i didn't even have dinner last night. i had cookies. COOKIES. they were delicious, but that isn't...dinner. But i have moments when i am soo super happy and then moments when i am so...bla/monotone. headachy and shitty.


Anonymous said...

Hey Nicole,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're under all this stress. Life is sure finding some shitty ways to play out right now, and it's completely normal to let it get to you. It's good to see you venting a bit on the blog - it's awful to feel like you have to hold in all the stress. I'm always an email away if there's any time you just feel like there's something you need to get off your chest...or if could just use a laugh :) Hang in there and watch as life picks itself up...and even if I don't "know" you, I know that you're strong and brave and going to make it through this tough time!

Emma said...

Don't delete please! This is such a brave thing to write it all out, acknowledge that no everything's not right, and share with us.

I can't really come over to your place and bring some chocolate ice cream, but let's pretend that's what I'm doing right now.

Hang in there, everything will be fine, eventually.


Journey_On said...

Hey Nicole, I'm really sorry to hear all that you are going through. The family issues, especially, sound very rough. :(

The things you are mentioning sound like some of the symptoms of depression. I don't know if you can hide depression, though, since I wasn't personally able to hide mine when I was with others (that I can remember, when I was clinically depressed). I guess if you have had those feelings for a while (I think it's like at least 2 weeks), then you need to consider talking to someone.

But I hope it passes soon!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Emma, don't you dare delete this missy.

Sometimes the blog world is discouraging because some people's lives just seem so perfect. When in reality, theres so much more going on behind the scenes.

If you ever wanna talk, I am here for you!! Through Facebook chat, texts, twitter, anything seriously. I went 5 years without talking to my dad, so i can relate to family issues.

Just know that you've got a great guy and a whole lotta bloggers behind you :) Your realness is what I love about you!

Robert said...

You're describing nearly every symptom I've had of depression. For me it was wild mood swings,.and it sucked.

Hang in there please.

Kelly said...

*hugs* to you :(

I have been there with the family problems and the best thing I ever did was move an hour and a half away from them... Anyways, hang in there. You are strong and everything will be ok.

Joanna Ashleigh said...

Hang in there Nicole. Perhaps try spending more time with your cat. My kittens are the most comforting and stabilizing thing in my life. Sending good juju your way. :) Things will look up eventually. ::hugs::

Stephanie said...

Nicole, I have never commented on your blog before, or any other blog other than family for that matter, but I read you blog all the time and really enjoy it. I feel what you are going thru. I can relate to the feeling of being a fun loving, huge smile, full of life, energy charged person at work and then being nothing at home. Work seems to be the only place where I can get anything done and am productive; the only place where I am happy. I wanted to email you this, but couldn't find your email. I too work as an RN in the ICU and really love it! I enjoy running, exercising, and eating well (although I have to have my meats). :) I feel like I can directly relate to how you are feeling and I just want you to know that even though you have no idea who I am, I am here for you if you want to talk to someone who is on the outside. Please email me if you wish. I would enjoy talking with you.

Unknown said...


I happened on your blog. I don't think you are suffering from depression per say. I think you are an adult child of an alcholic/drug addict. this is a psychosocial disease of family dynamics and includes co-dependance poorly formed family boundaries, free floating anxiety and feelings of being victimized. This is a well studied situation and is amenable to therapy which basically is about developing the skill set to come into your adulthood and adult relationships with the rest of your family. You are not alone. There are millions who suffer from this situation.

The solution is to first obtain a correct diagnosis. Next you can study the prognosis and theraputic maneuvers to take you into health.

This is not of your doing except to the extent you choose to not recover. Part of that recovery is going to involve developing healthy boundaries and be relieved of responsibilites that are not yours to be responsible. Here is a place to start

also talk to the social work people at your hospital for direction to further local resources.

You may also have some depression but my impression from what i read is if it is there at all it is secondary or reactionary to your family situation. I'll say it again you are NOT ALONE You are not weird and this can be recovered from