stream of consciousness

I feel like garbage today. i've had a headache for hours and no real appetite. i keep wanting to lay down and then i lay down and i want to get up. it's like i'm so uneasy. And i start to feel super anxious almost to the point of nauseous and on the verge of crying.

i don't get it.

i don't like it:(

So, all of my lab results came back normal. i had been worried that perhaps i was anemic and that's why i've felt so run down and tired. But they're normal. H/H stable, TSH within normal. My protein/albumin is good.
But i'm still tired and fatigue all.the.time.
My doctor asked me initially if i were under stress or feeling depressed. I laughed it off and said no, but it's obviously a lie. I am depressed at times and I cry for no reason at all. I have no real family support because my mom/stepdad/brother are all on drugs and alcoholics and every week there is some drama. I never posted it on here, but I had to bring my mom to the ER a few weeks ago because Jerry went on a rampage and threw the granite table on her head, causing an egg welt and i was concerned that she might have a concussion or internal bleeding. I had to make sure. And he went to jail for battery, but is apparantly out now.
The pills are ridiculous. They are on so many drugs. All prescription pain medication. Jerry has prescriptions, but they still buy them from people. And all of their money? GONE. They received $300,000 last year at this time. ALL OF IT IS GONE.
It is miserable. I don't want contact with them and as of the past couple of weeks, i really don't. They're too fucked in the head to have conversations with. I feel like i'm all alone sometimes, but I have Mirza. I have my sister who is normal, but she's in Boston, so there's that.
And i never mentioned that mom was even Baker Acted a month ago or so for taking all of her xanax and trying to die. She denies it, but spent a good week in the psych ward. FUN FUCKING TIMES. It's so fucked. How could i not be depressed from livving this way?!!

And money has been tight for me lately with paying for YTT. I feel like i never have any fucking money. I am always like budgeting and shit and i am sick of it. I fucking HATE IT.

And for the past couple of weeks, i have nightmares every.night. Normally, i remember lots of dreams each night. I am a vivid dreamer, but i sleep well and rarely have nightmares. But each night, someone is chasing me or trying to kill me or Mirza is cheating on me in a dream. It's all absurd!!!!!

So yes, Dr., i am under stress and feeling depressed at times. But it's hard for me to admit that in person. I don't know why. Is it possible to hide depression? Because i am sure no one who knows me, like coworkers would think i would ever be "depressed" since i am smiling and laughing at work...so then i wonder,AM I DEPRESSED? Can a truly depressed person be fine in one place, but as soon as they go home sit around the house and cry and be angry at life and have nightmares and feel panicy when not at work?

ugh.

I did manage to go on a bike ride the other day for about 20 minutes and yes, it felt good. But it was short and i got bored. And then i got depressed that i had to go alone because i wish i could do things like that with Mirza, but he was in school, as always. So i came home and sat on the couch for hours like i always do. on my computer. and searched craigslist for places to live even though my lease doesn't end until Feb 2, which is too far away for me to even find a place. what is my life coming to!? and i feel like i have no joy in anything. i used to love to exercise or cook. And now i barely even want to go into the kitchen. it's like everything is a chore. i didn't even have dinner last night. i had cookies. COOKIES. they were delicious, but that isn't...dinner. But i have moments when i am soo super happy and then moments when i am so...bla/monotone. headachy and shitty.