Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Where I'm at...

My postings have been far and few between, but that's okay. Life has been a challenge lately.

 It's been two months since my Mother's death and  I now have more good days than bad, and the "bad" usually comes in waves. I find the hardest parts of the days for me are just before bed, where my mind goes wild with sad thoughts, and when I am driving alone. Especially when I drive home from work, and I pass this one restaurant where I ate with my mother, brother, and step-dad over a year ago. During this time, they were not in a healthy state and it always makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it...maybe I should find a new route home?

My hospital system offers counseling, up to 6 per year, and I might take advantage?

Besides that, I have been busy working. Surprisingly, work has become more enjoyable to me throughout all of this. Maybe it's a release?

 I'm not sure, but I have actually gotten over my shit and even work extra days now! I never thought the day would come when I would finally act like an adult and work overtime. It finally dawned on me that I could be as frugal as I want, but it isn't going to earn me any more money.

 I can make a lot of extra dough from working extra, too. My unit has a highly incentive bonus program. It works like this: In a 12 week period, I work a certain number of extra hours and in addition to the overtime money that  I get with each check, at the end of the 12 week period, I will get a big fat check, max of $1500...

144+ hours=$10.42 (144 x 10.52=$1500)
120-143 hours=9.90
96-119 hours=9.38
72-95 hours=8.85
48-71 hours=$8.3

Working just one extra day per week (four 12 hour shifts, as opposed to 3) could earn me an extra $1500 in 12 weeks; not to mention the extra money in my checks. 
What is my ultimate goal for earning extra money? I want to pay off my car loan. Right now, I have $6700 left and my goal is to have it paid off by March 2012. If I keep chipping away here and there, and then with the help of my tax return next January, it completely doable. This would free-up an extra $316/month for me. A huge relief.

Plus, my warranty ends in 2012, so it would be ideal for me to not have payments each month if something decides to break on the car. I plan on driving this car into the ground. It'a a 2005 Toyota Corolla LE that I purchased in March 2009. It had 3,500 miles on it at the time!! That's as a 3-4 year old car. Now, the car is 6 years old and still only has 26,000 miles on it.  I CAN DO IT!!

As for Yoga Teacher Training?
I must be honest, I have not been giving it 100%. We have every other weekend intensives, but during the week, we can choose from a huge schedule and attend classes. We need 24 by graduation. At this rate, we should probably have 12-14 classes under our belts, which all need to be evaluated.
Me? I have...oh, 3.
I don't know what's my problem (actually, I do, I have no motivation and I am sad about my mom's death and tired from working, ha), but this last weekend intensive has really spun my head around and I know I need a good kick in the ass. I am determined to stop slacking and start giving it my all.

Is anyone still reading?


Rachel said...

I'm still reading!

Don't bear yourself up over the YTT. You'll accumulate the hours eventually and most YTT providers will give you an exemption in the circumstances.

I slacked in the middle of my YTT. There comes a point when it all seems too much and you'll never get there.

But you do, I promise!

Anonymous said...

I would recommend taking advantage of the counseling - especially if you've been thinking about it already. You know best what you need.

ErinK said...

Don't be hard on yourself! Maybe it would be good to take advantage of the hospital counseling. It might help to talk to someone about everything. Keep your head up!

Joanna Ashleigh said...

definitely still reading and thinking about you and your blog. Everyone I know and "internet know" seems to be having a hard time lately. *sending you lots of good juju* Try the counseling. xo. ~Joanna in CO

Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up - I slacked during portions of YTT, too. Let's face it - it's intense and requires a ton of emotional energy in addition to the physical. So with something weighing on your psyche, the emotional demand becomes even more unbearable.

That said, keep stepping onto your mat! You won't regret it.

Keep on keepin' on! Sending you lots of energy and happiness. xo

Anonymous said...

I'm still reading. :)

waz said...

I have never posted anything on your blog but have been reading the past several months. First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's passing. I am a PA and about 5 years ago ( when I was 26) my mother died as well. It was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with so I can empathize with what you are going through. If there is one thing I could give you from going thru a similar experience (for what it is worth)- it would be to take advantage of the counseling. It took me a good 9 months to finally give in and see one. I can't tell you how much better i felt once I finally did. I only wish I had done it sooner. I hope that the load gets easier and am so sorry to hear about your loss. its never the same but it does get easier!

Miss Purple Stethoscope said...

Oh sweetie! I disappeared from the blogosphere while I was away overseas and have just logged on to read about the difficult ordeal you have been through :-( My deepest condolences for your loss and your sorrow. I don't know if words from strangers half-way across the world offer you much or any comfort, but I hope that you find the strength and inner peace to deal with your mother's passing, and I hope that time takes away the sadness and replaces it with beautiful memories. I think it helps to talk to someone for sure, especially if they are trained in grief counselling - they may be able to offer you some wisdom and insight on how to process some of your emotions... or at the very least be a comforting ear to hear you out.

Take care of yourself Nicole, be strong!! Thinking of you xo

Dragonfly said...

Hugs. Sorry to hear of all that has happened.
It is really hard to do extra study and work the hours we do in hospitals at the best of times, let alone when we have the weight of sadness on us for family. Definitely take up the counselling offer...you can always stop!!

Anonymous said...

still reading and still here for you if you ever need to talk.

i agree with ErinkK, don't be too hard on yourself.You have been through a tragedy.. counseling might be a good way to get your feelings out.

you are a strong person and a smart cookie!

Robert said...

I'm still reading.

I think your meditation experience is certainly significant. Along with your recent challenges in life, I think your east vs west tendencies are interesting too. You have to admit that it doesn't get much more western than ICU nursing, add that to your passion for yoga...