It's not you, it's me

I am taking a small break from blogging. It may just be days, weeks, or months. Not sure when I will return.

Thanks for reading!

Heart

Wow! Sometimes our yoga teacher training sessions really are like a huge therapy sessions...we all open up, like in an AA meeting. I find it so powerful; sometimes exhausting, emotionally, but so, so good.
Today we had to share our midterm assessments. We did not have to read what we wrote, but somehow share and then all discuss. I had a lot of anxiety about my paper, but I was proud of my honest assessment. I knew that I would be emotional during my turn to share, so I volunteered to go FIRST, and to just read my paper.

When I finished reading, the class actually clapped. People seemed so touched by what I wrote. My classmates told me it was beautiful, lovely, amazing.  Their words, not mine!

It felt so good to share.
Can my yoga be my therapy? I'm beginning to think so.

This weekend was also big for me in that I did my first wheel pose. Normally, I would tell myself I do not like back bends; I feel like I am going to break in half!!
 But with my new-found openness and confidence from the day, instead of staying in bridge, I listened carefully to the instruction and went for it.
AND I DID IT!! AND I DID CORRECTLY according to the instructor. And in those few seconds, I have never felt more free. Everything opened.  It was a huge rush of feel-good chemicals and I felt as if my smile was deep down into my chest. I was smiling from the inside out, illuminating from my heart and chest area.

(Not me, but found on google images to show)

Has anyone ever felt this way before during a back bend? I think it's because I've been so closed off to the idea and generally like a rounded forward fold. This was the opposite. And it was so good!

Weekend

...in photos.

meep.

taco bus!

 vegetarian tacos from the taco bus...nothing makes more sense

Yoga teacher training

SUPER moons

Funny, when you're small...the moon follows the car. There's no one, but you see, HEY, the moon is chasing me!

SOURCE: GOOGLE IMAGES

Yoga Self-Assessment

We have reached the midterm of our Yoga Teacher Training. We were given the homework assignment of doing a self-assessment. The instructions were vague--it could be a paper, graph, whatever worked. This was the follow-up email after the explanation in class:

Assess where you are in practice using the sutras, Pranayama, Asana, the Yamas and Niyamas. 

• Where are there holes or weaknesses in disposition or practice?
• Do you see the value in taking the next step towards balance?
• Might those steps look like? What tools/practices that we have covered so far?
• How can you structure them in the next half of the program?
• Think about some of the journaling, mantra, and meditation techniques as well. 

With this "Self Assessment", consider further transitioning into a Yogi and what are the impediments to that? Assume you are the teacher advising yourself (all based on your understanding so far).  We will all share our findings.

I sat down this morning and spewed this out. Not sure if it's what they wanted, but it's my own, true honest assessment

Nicole M.

March 16, 2011

Midterm Self Assessment

Yoga Teacher Training 200hr

            In August 2010, after years of contemplation and hours of much internal debate, I made what I had hoped to be a life changing decision by enrolling in Yoga Teacher Training. With a hefty down payment, each month, I paid $165 and anxiously waited for January 15, 2011, our first day of classes. I began my journey with the notion that even if I decided to never actually teach yoga, my training as an instructor would only deepen my personal practice, allowing for internal growth. My goal was simple: be a good person and live a dignified life. As I reach the halfway point in my training, it is imperative that I do a self check-in; to assess and continually reassess where my mind and body are leading me through this journey.

            Before I can truly unravel myself and deconstruct how I am utilizing yoga to the best of my ability, I must be honest with my self and others. It was a New Year. I was enthusiastic to start 2011. I exclaimed that 2011 would be all about “self reflection,” and “awareness.” All at once, my world came crumbling down when one week prior to beginning classes, my Mother, age 54 passed away on January 5, 2011. We had a small memorial service for her and I took one month off from my work as an ICU nurse. I struggled with the notion that I would have to spend the next 6 months in deep, self-reflection. With so much pain, but also so much love from my Mother, I knew that I had to do my best. In the beginning of the program, I worked through the weekend intensives in a daze. I was a ghost of my former self. But I showed up and I tried to participate. Often times, we would be sitting in class, deep in discussion, and all I could hear was the self-dialogue, “my Mother is dead, my Mother is dead.”  It felt physically impossible to concentrate; it was at the forefront of all my thoughts; everything I did each day included a backdrop of grief. Usually, I throw myself into whatever I am doing with 100% zeal. With Yoga Teacher training, though? I did not go to classes outside of the weekend intensives. I did not do much reading; and the reading I did do was robotic, no thought or contemplation behind the words. And I certainly was not participating in my own home practice or personal meditation. One month since beginning training and I finally made myself go to a class. It took another 2 weeks before I attended another. I was beginning to feel like a complete failure. Here I am, paying for this program, wasting all of this time and money and not even participating in my own life!  If this is an honest assessment, it has only been in the last two weeks where I feel more awake. I am slowly, but surely, attending classes, developing my own practice, and reading the homework assignments with actual thought, rather than skimming like a computer.

            As for my asana practice, I have made a commitment to myself. Five minutes. That’s it. No pressure. Each day, I set the timer on my phone for 5 minutes and in that short time, I practice yoga. Often times, the practice is longer, but I do 5 minutes each day and for me, that has been a start. Perhaps I am behind. Perhaps others are doing more than me, but this is my practice and I cannot compare my self-assessment to others. That is what I have learned and taken away from my yoga practice and training. I cannot compare myself to others. I have come to accept that my yoga practice is going to change and evolve with life.  Each night, I have been reading a page or two from Meditations from the Mat, a book by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison that offers 365 meditations for each day of the year. The book delves into the 8-limb path of yoga, beginning with the yamas and niyamas.  Day 84 begins with the niyama of svadhyaya, or self-study. It begins, “Each step foreword in our practice is a step inward.” It is also important to note that, “When we do feel lost or uncertain, drifting away from our practice, blocked from our own truth, it helps to remember that darkness and confusion, too, are part of the path,” (118).

            In the last couple of weeks, my sense of enthusiasm and wonderment has returned for yoga. I recognize my own labile, or fluctuating emotions. I am still grieving the loss of my Mother; I always will be! However, I am participating in my own life. And that means participating in Yoga Teacher Training. It is unfortunate that I could not have given 100% at the beginning of the program. My Type-A personality would have loved to write this self-assessment and tell the class and instructors how I have been utilizing the yamas, niyamas, and pranayama for the past 3 months, and how I have read from the yoga sutras each night, and that meditation has completely changed my outlook on life, but it would be a lie. For me, a midterm assessment is not enough. I need a day-to-day assessment. A daily check-in.

            As we begin the second half of our program, I am beginning to think of myself as a yoga teacher. I have yet to teach a class, and even the thought of getting in front of a group of people with all eyes on me is completely anxiety producing, but I will fake it until I make it. Nice to meet you, I’m Nicole, I’ll be your yoga instructor today. Namaste.

           

            

Nidra Yoga

On Friday, I went to my first meditation class. But it wasn't just regular meditation, it was Nidra Yoga.
From my yoga school website:

"Yoga Nidra is a state of consciousness also known as "yogic sleep." The Yoga Nidra state is most similar to that of deep dreamless sleep, with the notable difference that the person is fully awake. In addition, Yoga Nidra is also a practice conducive to entering the Nidra state. Through guided relaxation techniques and visualization, this practice aims to create a deeply relaxing state for exploration of latent consciousness.Yoga Nidra is a powerful practice that complements meditation and that can be helpful in noticing deep seated habitual patterns of action and thought. This class starts with a brief section of gentle stretches to release body tension in preparation for lying down in a restful position for most of the practice."

Basically, you're lying in Savasana the entire class, besides the first 10-15 minutes when we did some light asana practice.

source: gettyimages

The hardest part for me was getting comfortable. After awhile, the pressure point on my head was killing me (I needed a pillow!) and my elbows were begging to be bent. I actually began to feel pain. Besides that...

At one point during the class, when the instructor was naming places like the desert, forest, the beach, that we were supposed to imagine, etc, I could feel my body pulsating, but not the pulsing of a heart beat, more like a wave. Immediately after, it felt like I was split into two halves down the center of my body and the left part was sliding away from me, while the right part was sliding up the room. It felt like my body was incredibly imbalanced, physically. It was as if an earthquake separated my body into two. It also began to feel like I were laying on an axis—while the left was moving away from me, toward my feet, it was also moving upwards. I felt so crooked!

source

It was not a pleasant experience, but did not last for long. After class, I evaluated what this might mean—perhaps it was a sign that my inner self is imbalanced, as well?

Anyone experience nidra yoga? What are your thoughts?
I definitely plan to go again--this time with a pillow and the notion that it's okay to keep my arms bent over my belly.

Where I'm at...

My postings have been far and few between, but that's okay. Life has been a challenge lately.


 It's been two months since my Mother's death and  I now have more good days than bad, and the "bad" usually comes in waves. I find the hardest parts of the days for me are just before bed, where my mind goes wild with sad thoughts, and when I am driving alone. Especially when I drive home from work, and I pass this one restaurant where I ate with my mother, brother, and step-dad over a year ago. During this time, they were not in a healthy state and it always makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it...maybe I should find a new route home?

My hospital system offers counseling, up to 6 per year, and I might take advantage?

Besides that, I have been busy working. Surprisingly, work has become more enjoyable to me throughout all of this. Maybe it's a release?

 I'm not sure, but I have actually gotten over my shit and even work extra days now! I never thought the day would come when I would finally act like an adult and work overtime. It finally dawned on me that I could be as frugal as I want, but it isn't going to earn me any more money.


 I can make a lot of extra dough from working extra, too. My unit has a highly incentive bonus program. It works like this: In a 12 week period, I work a certain number of extra hours and in addition to the overtime money that  I get with each check, at the end of the 12 week period, I will get a big fat check, max of $1500...

144+ hours=$10.42 (144 x 10.52=$1500)
120-143 hours=9.90
96-119 hours=9.38
72-95 hours=8.85
48-71 hours=$8.3

Working just one extra day per week (four 12 hour shifts, as opposed to 3) could earn me an extra $1500 in 12 weeks; not to mention the extra money in my checks. 

What is my ultimate goal for earning extra money? I want to pay off my car loan. Right now, I have $6700 left and my goal is to have it paid off by March 2012. If I keep chipping away here and there, and then with the help of my tax return next January, it completely doable. This would free-up an extra $316/month for me. A huge relief.

Plus, my warranty ends in 2012, so it would be ideal for me to not have payments each month if something decides to break on the car. I plan on driving this car into the ground. It'a a 2005 Toyota Corolla LE that I purchased in March 2009. It had 3,500 miles on it at the time!! That's as a 3-4 year old car. Now, the car is 6 years old and still only has 26,000 miles on it.  I CAN DO IT!!

As for Yoga Teacher Training?

Sigh.

I must be honest, I have not been giving it 100%. We have every other weekend intensives, but during the week, we can choose from a huge schedule and attend classes. We need 24 by graduation. At this rate, we should probably have 12-14 classes under our belts, which all need to be evaluated.

Me? I have...oh, 3.

I don't know what's my problem (actually, I do, I have no motivation and I am sad about my mom's death and tired from working, ha), but this last weekend intensive has really spun my head around and I know I need a good kick in the ass. I am determined to stop slacking and start giving it my all.

Is anyone still reading?

26

By the way, I turned 26 on the 17th...

I spent the day at work where my coworkers surprised me with a cake!
And when I got home, Mirza's Mom had a "Max" cake waiting for me...

dreams

ugh.
Let's interpret a dream, shall we...


I took a nap this afternoon. I got called off from work...

I was at my mom's house and one of my aunt's came over.  While at the house, I could tell that my aunt was lying when she pretended to get a phone call about "her cat needing something in the bathroom;" I knew she was just going to come back with pills for them to take together. I decided to call the police and have them all arrested.

Well, she left, and my mom came out of her room and she looked out of it, but we were both crying and hugging/embracing on the couch and she was repeating, "it doesn't matter,  it doesn't matter," over and over and I kept saying in her ear, "It matters, you have to try and fight. we have to keep fighting." At this point, the fire department arrived in a black fire engine and took her away.

My brother and step father were really angry with me, accusing me of being a terrible daughter for sending my mother away. I kept trying to explain, "But she DIES in the end, you just don't know it." It was as if I knew the alternate reality and my sister knew, too because I spoke with her on the phone and said, "but they don't get it..she dies...she dies. even if she hates us, we need to send her to jail."

ugh@! This was my first dream about my mom like this. I don't recall her face, unfortunately.
If that isn't enough to make someone depressed, I don't know what is...


Kind of reminds me of fucking reality and all of the times that I wish I were wrong when I said, "She is going to DIE," but no one wanted to help us..

We interrupt the regularly scheduled blogging to bring you...

 ...to the beach...

What to make??

Since moving in together this January, Mirza's mom has been giving us tons of food. She's so generous. Whenever she goes to the market, she'll buy extra for us, wash it, and it's ready to go! But with my own shopping already, I feel like we have tons of food, but I'm feeling a bit uncreative.
So, without further ado, here is pretty much everything, give or take a few random items.

What should we make???

Pantry:

3 cans chick peas

1 can kidney beans

1 can chili beans

3 can whole kernel corn

2 can tomato sauce

1 can stewed tomato

1 bag whole grain brown rice

huge bag of jasmine rice

¼ cup of couscous

1 bag urid black beans

1 bag flour tortilla

jar grape leaves

numerous bottles of random sauces like soy, siracha, worstershire, teriyaki, rice vinegar, white vinegar, evoo, maple syrup, buffalo sauce

panko bread crumbs

popcorn

2 russet potatoes

small bag of probably 4-5 left over honey gold potatoes

2 boxes cereal

2 bags granola

1 box oatmeal, 1 container plain oatmeal, jar steel cut oatmeal

1 bag whole grain bread, 1 bag of bagels,

jar peanut butter

raisins

1 box spaghetti

1 box angel hair pasta

1 box penne

1 box penne—tomato/spinach blend

1 box tri color rotini

(how the f*ck did we get so much pasta????)

1 box Kodiak whole grain pancake mix

all natural cocoa powder

giant bag of mixed teas

Spice cabinet full of probably 25-30 herbs, spices, etc.

Excluding baking supplies

Fridge and produce

POUNDS OF STRAWBERRIES

Huge container of pineapple and one pinepple that hasn’t been cut yet

5 bananas, some bad—banana bread?

Fresh asparagus

Carrots

Fresh mint and cilantro,…two huge bunches

Sugar snap peas

Papaya x 3

Pear

Lemon x 2

Avocado

3 baby red potatoes

2 apples

red pepper

orange pepper

bunch red grapes

giant hunk of cheddar cheese

small bag of Monterey jack shredded’

about ½ cup shredded mozzarella

every freakin condiment known to man

almond milk

freezer full of : peas, pepper/onion mix, cauliflower

garden veggies patties

morning star crumbles

HELP US.

Making the Connection

I do not write a lot about work these days. I miss it; the sharing. This blog started as a way for me to share, chronicle, and vent my journey through this career. Lately though, I've become much more aware and scared of violating HIPAA.

Recently, I have taken care of the same patient the last five times at work. This continuity of care is important for the patient, but I also feel---for the nurse, too (to a point, depending on your relationship with the patient).

This patient has HIV/AIDS. I feel like I have made such a connection with this patient that on my days off, I do wonder and even worry about him/her. I stop myself from calling in to work for an update. Prior to this patient deteriorating further, we had a long discussion about food, as we would since with this disease, wasting syndrome has taken over, and nutrition has become quite important. This patient told me their love for whole wheat pancakes in the morning. Immediately, I mentioned Kodiak cakes! I love them because they're whole wheat, no preservatives or funky ingredients, and so easy because all you do is add water.

As soon as I got home, I put my extra box of Kodiak Cakes by the door. And the next time I worked, I gave it to the patient. Unfortunately, at this point, the patient is receiving nutrition through a tube going through their nose and into small intestine, but that's besides the point. I felt compelled to do something or give something to this patient. I don't know why!!

You see, you connect with most of your patients, but honestly, not all. And for whatever reason, there are those special patients that truly connect with you on a deeper level. Sometimes it is hard to see patients as just regular people when they're in the hospital setting; a lot of them begin to look and feel the same after so many 12 hour shifts.

 But then, there's some that just strike you, and you realize this is a person with a life outside of this immediate sickness and you feel true empathy. I love that. It lifts me up and helps me feel like I actually am "making a difference." Nursing is not glamorous, by any means. And not everyone even respects the profession; mostly those who have never seen a nurse in action. But I must say, I am humbled by the patients who touch my heart, and at the same time, I feel proud of what I do for a living; and for what I do to help these specific patients. For me, when it comes to making these connections, the care that's provided becomes mutual. It's a relationship with two people--each giving a little bit, and each benefiting from the other's presence...

Calm.

You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense.  ~Jane Pauley

 Time spent with cats is never wasted...

Always with cats!

 "I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand, not a worry in the world, a cold beer water in my hand, life is good today...life is good today"

 Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves

that break upon the idle seashore of the mind.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think. ~Robert Henri

 Weather forecast for tonight:  dark.  ~George Carlin

Earth laughs in flowers.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

 Smile - sunshine is good for your teeth.  ~Author Unknown

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.  ~Luciano Pavarotti and William Wrigh

I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights.  ~Terri Guillemets