Concentration

I am currently in semester 2 of 7 of my graduate program to become an Adult-Gerontological Nurse Practitioner.

I'm enrolled in Advanced Pathophysiology and Nursing Research.

Patho has been...interesting. Without going into too much detail, our original professor who had been at the school for something like 20 years, suddenly was replaced with our new professor last week! Halfway through the semester, and we're left with little explanation about why he is no longer at the University, and now a new teacher with new style of teaching.

To be honest, while I hate this sudden change at the core, it has been good. The new professor is a Family Nurse Practitioner, has written 5 books in Pathophysiology, and plans to teach the course from a primary care standpoint, which I love! I need to learn this information in regards to how it relates to my career as an Advanced Practice Nurse. While the previous professor was incredibly smart in all things biology, patho, etc., I feel like this change is for the good in terms of learning patho in a clinical setting! She also does tons of research, so it's fun to hear about what she's doing in the lab. In addition, she's taken trips to Africa before with her students as a practitioner, which sounds amazing. I would love to do that someday.

Nursing research is...nursing research. It is what it is, if you know what I mean! Honestly, I don't hate it like some people, but I'm not all that engaged in this course. I am doing well on my papers, though, so that's encouraging. The thing is, I don't like learning about the research process, but I am intrigued by research in itself.

What I am currently internally struggling with is changing my concentration from Adult to Family. From the beginning, I've said that I want nothing to do with pediatrics, so why would I do Family Nurse Practitioner? But as I contemplate it more, having that overall knowledge would be highly beneficial for me professionally and even personally. I'm still young, so I'm not sure where my career is going to lead me. Perhaps it would be better to not limit myself to just Adults?
Especially since I love the preventative aspect of medicine so much. I'd love to look at the human body and health on a lifespan continuum. Without that pediatric knowledge, I feel like I am missing something. Also, pediatrics makes me nervous. I have no experience in it, especially with medications and dosing--it's a whole new world for me as an adult critical care nurse.

In addition, there's a lot of changes happening at the American Nurses Credentialing Center. They will be retiring the Adult Nurse Practitioner in 2014 and adopting a new credentialing certification.

Here is a list of all the credentials they will retire, as well as the link for more information about what this means:

• Acute Care Nurse Practitioner
• Adult Nurse Practitioner
• Adult Psychiatric & Mental Health Nurse Practitioner
• Gerontological Nurse Practitioner
• Adult Health Clinical Nurse Specialist
• Adult Psychiatric & Mental Health Clinical Nurse Specialist
• Child/Adolescent Psychiatric & Mental Health Clinical Nurse Specialist
• Gerontological Clinical Nurse Specialist

Family Nurse Practitioner will stay the same.

With all of these changes, it makes me uneasy.

There is a little voice inside that is telling me to change...I'm not sure where it's stemming from, but I feel compelled to listen!

The crappy part for me is the extra semester of school. 8 semesters. Instead of graduating in December 2013, I'd finish May 2014. In my mind, this feels so far away, especially when I want to start a family soon. I'm not getting any younger at 27.

It's a big decision for me.
Any thoughts?

Nine years and the dress

This past week, Mirza and I celebrated nine years together.

Here we are at  7 months into dating...about 18 years old...

So young and fresh! I still remember taking these photos like it was last month...not 9 years ago!!

And now, 9 years into life..26 and 27 (it was my birthday on the 17th)...

We are the luckiest people in the world to have each other.

This will be the last year we celebrate our anniversary as just a "dating" couple...next year, it will be as wife and husband! And we'll have a new anniversary: October 20, 2012. But I know that February 22 will always hold a special place in both of our hearts.

...which leads me to the DRESS.

I found it! I found the one.

I almost went back to the previous bridal shop with horrible customer service, but my friend/coworker and I decided to look at a different place one day after school.

And I am so glad that we did!  The customer service was excellent. Without going into too much detail, this dress caught my eye even though it is totally different than the one I almost purchased. It is clean and timeless. I love it, and I never thought I would say that about a dress. It was the first one I tried on, but we used the big, poofy skirt underneath, so it was almost too much dress for my petite stature, so I tried on about 10 more dresses. All were beautiful, but always lacked something. I almost left with no dress, feeling defeated again. However, this particular dress was also on a mannequin outside the dressing room, so every time I came out, I saw it. Always catching my eye. The style was different than all of the other dresses I had been trying on that day.

 I decided to try it on one last time...

I loved it. It made me happy on the inside. Even if it wasn't what I had expected, or worried what other people expected to see me in...this.was.it. I felt beautiful and timeless--those were my qualifications! I don't care what people expect to see me in, or what people expect out of a small, garden wedding. It it my wedding. I will only be married once. I want to feel like a bride!

I knew it was the one because my friend actually cried! And more importantly, I did not want to take it off!

Comparison Game

Since finishing my OnRamp classes at CrossFit a couple of weeks ago, I've had a huge problem with comparing myself to others, or not feeling strong enough. It was easy to feel strong when it was just me and the trainer, but when I'm in a WOD with a group and I'm one of the last people to finish--it can be a huge hit to my ego.

I understand that the point of CrossFit is to compete against yourself, and to see your own progress being made. I do, I get it. But I usually pick someone out of the class who I think I can surely "beat," but I fall short. The box is supportive, but sometimes, especially the young, strong guys--they finish SO MUCH QUICKER than me that they end up leaving when I am barely finished. It makes me feel like the biggest loser as I am out running during the WOD and I see people drive away...

Last Saturday, Mirza and I went to the WOD together.

• Run 800 m.
• 80 air squats
• 80 sit ups
• 100 m. over head plate walk 45/35lb..(no head rides, locked out shoulders)

• Run 400 m.
• 40 burpees
• 40 slam balls
• 100 m. over head plate walk 45/35lb.

• Run 200 m.
• 20 pull ups
• 20 KBS 53/35lbs.
• 100 m. over head plate walk 45/35lb.

For time.

I make the worst faces when doing CrossFit...it's scary..

I did everything as prescribed, except with the KB swings, I used 26lbs. I noticed tons of women finishing in half the time that I did. I found it incredibly defeating until I realized, some of them  literally only did half of the workout by cutting the runs in half or not as many reps. I think that I finished second to last, and Mirza finished last. Granted, not all other women did this, and they really did beat my time because they are simply in better shape and stronger.

 It occurred to me after  on the drive home that Mirza didn't realize some people were not doing the prescribed WOD, either. And this really made him feel bad--wondering how the heck some women were even so much quicker than him?  This is why it's so important to not compare yourself to others. You never know what the other person is really doing. I shouldn't be paying attention to them, anyway! I just feel bad about myself for no reason at all.

It is difficult though, since CrossFit literally displays your results on a whiteboard to compare your time to others.

I type these words mostly for myself because I still don't quite believe them. I still compare and feel bad about my times and weights.


For instance, the other night we were working on strength training with front squats. I had previously been proud of my one rep max front squat of 85lbs. I'm 5'3, 120lbs--I'm not a giant person, so 85lbs just seems like a lot of weight to me. Of course, this night, we took 90% of our one rep max and worked down from there. I was paired up with another girl. She was thin, but taller than me. I let my ego take over and mentally thought, "hmm, I am stronger than her." Wrong. She didn't know her one rep max, so she used my numbers...and completely blew my numbers out of the water. I felt like crap! This is stupid, right?

Hopefully I can get over myself and just do CrossFit for me, and for nobody else. Of course, I don't think I will even be faster or stronger than the men in class, but it would be nice to beat some other women of the same size and age as me at least once...right?

I know that it's going to take hard work to move up the board, but for now, I am going to keep trying my hardest and be happy that I am even working out and moving my body. Sometimes, I think I am too hard on myself. I've been doing CrossFit now for only one month and 2 weeks.
 I need to seriously check my ego at the door.

Hero

I'm pretty sure that I have found "the dress." It is different than what I thought I would initially pick out, but then again perfect for me. And when I walked out of the dressing room, my two friends/coworkers loved it. They said it's the most flattering on me. The thing is, I don't think I will ever be the girl who puts on a dress and then cries from it being the one! I just don't think that's me.

I am like 96% sure at this point. Part of me only wants to try a few other places just to put my mind at ease. I think what turns me away is the customer service at the dress store. If they were more receptive, then I probably would be 100%. That plays a huge role for me, apparently.

In addition, I feel like a lot of pressure is put on the dress. I worry a lot about what others will think. And while we're only inviting people to our wedding who love us,  you still have to wonder how people will judge the dress that you picked. I've had numerous people tell me what they envision me wearing. Believe me when I say that I've tried every style of dress because I had no idea what I wanted. It turns out that a lot of times, no matter how beautiful the dress, it simply might not look good on me. I am sure some people might see me in a different style, but they weren't there when I went shopping, so they have no idea. I am limiting showing my crappy iPhone picture of me in the dress because I want people to see it when I have my hair  and make up done. It's only right!

I made our Save-the-Date magnets!

Just waiting for them to arrive in the mail, so I can begin sending them out.

I'm starting to stress LESS about our wedding at this point. I am realizing how good of a day it is going to be and it makes me so happy with our choices thus far. The garden wedding, small guest list. We're having a violinist during the ceremony, and music during the reception is tentatively a solo classical guitarist. We're not doing the traditional DJ, dance floor thing since it just isn't us. I want to feel completely authentic.
We've just about picked a caterer, too. I have to miss the taste-testing due to work, but Mirza will be there.

As for the rest of life...
School, work, CrossFit. That seems to be the run-down.

Saturday marked one month since I walked into the box and did my baseline workout. I know it's still new and fresh, but I am loving it.
Mirza goes,too!

I do need to be careful about doing too much, too soon.
On Friday, we did a Hero WOD. This is a workout that is dedicated to a fallen soldier. They tend to be difficult for this reason.

“Hammer”

Five rounds, each for time, of:

135/95 pound Power clean, 5 reps

135/95 pound Front squat, 10 reps

135/95 pound Jerk, 5 reps

20 Pull-ups

Rest 90 seconds

One of the things we never really worked on during On-Ramp were pull ups. We just didn't really get to it at this point. When I try to do a pull-up without the band, I get about halfway with my elbows bent . He said that's actually pretty good, so he gave me a green band (Brag: Mirza has to use 2 bands!). If you take a look at the WOD again, you'll notice this is 5 rounds of 20 pull-ups. Yes, that would be 100 pull-ups!

For the weight, I only used 45lbs. I mean, my one rep max on a front squat is 85lbs, so obviously I could not do 95lbs for one round, never mind 5. That's what I love about CrossFit: You scale to fit your needs, but believe me, it's still difficult.

All of these shots were taken in-action, so my form looks off, but the trainer is right there and continually says that I have great form, so that's good to know! The last thing I need is to hurt myself. A good trainer who understands form is everything!

If you look pretty when working out...1. I hate you 2. you're not working hard enough!

Somehow, I still smile!

I think I need some better CrossFit outfits. Yikes. Moving on...

I felt incredibly proud of 100 pull-ups total. This entire work out took me 26 minutes when you take out the 90 second rests. During the last round, I literally had to take each pull-up one at a time. Whatever it takes to get it done!

However, I can now say that MAYBE 100 pull-ups was too much, too soon? Yesterday, I could barely extend my arms, could not lift my arms over my head straight, and my biceps were so swollen. I seriously felt like I had compartment syndrome, rhabdo, etc. This makes me sad because I haven't been able to do CrossFit since Friday.

So, I definitely need to remind myself of my edge. But the problem was that I didn't know!! How would I know since I have never done pull-ups! Maybe this is a stupid statement, but it is what it is! 

Either way, I am proud of my 100 pull-ups assisted with the band. I am proud that I am able to move my body and be alive!! That is the point of the Hero WOD. You move for those who cannot.

U.S. Army First Sergeant Michael “Hammer” Bordelon, 37, of Morgan City, Louisiana, assigned to the 1st Battalion, 24th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), based out of Fort Lewis, Washington, died on May 10, 2005, from injuries sustained when a car bomb exploded near him in Mosul, Iraq on April 23, 2005.

He is survived by his wife Mila; children Mike Jr., Jacob, and Johanna; mother Dolores; and sister Doreen Scioneaux.

I love CrossFit

I am still loving CrossFit! My favorite part thus far has been doing olympic style lifts! I LOVE IT.
During my last On Ramp class, we worked again on the power clean, but this time added in the jerk!
It was seriously so much fun. I feel so strong when I do these lifts. I am definitely getting the hang of it, too.  You really have to put your legs into it with a jump to get it over your head. It is definitely a confidence booster when you throw that weight over your head.

He then took me through a metcon workout that was AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) in 15:00 minutes:
-5 power cleans and jerks (I think my weight was 65lbs...i keep forgetting how much the actual bar weighs!)
-10 pushups
-15 squats
-20 sit ups

Listen, this doesn't seem all that difficult, but I can assure you that it was!
I ended up doing 4 rounds plus 17 (17=5 power cleans/jerks, 10 pushups, and 2 squats before the clock hit 15).
The pushups proved to the most difficult for me, even when I went to my knees. My arms were just so tired from the lifting. I was soaking wet, dripping sweat all over the floor. My face was bright red (so pretty, right?).
Honestly, I could barely lift my arms afterwards because they were so heavy!!!
After resting a bit, we worked more with the kettle bell. He tried to show me a turkish get-up towards the end, but I was so unfocused and tired that he gave up! ha. Next time, though!

I went to the WOD this morning alone because Mirza said he was "too sore." pft. lame.
The warm up was 10 sampsons, 10 pushups, 10 tea kettles?, 20 of __ (<--taking a large bar and stretching it behind your back), running around the building (325 meters), 50 double unders or 150 single jump ropes..I think that was it? I always seriously forget what we do in the warm-up!

I'm in the black

So, here was the WOD, which didn't sound so bad when I initially looked at it, bahaha (1st rule of CrossFit for me: never think, "this will be easy"):

Plate Run and Burpee Box Jumps

5 rounds for Rx.  3 rounds for beginners

• 10 Burpee box jumps 24/20 inches
• 325 m. Plate run 35/25 lbs. (one lap around the building) 5 equals 1 mile.

Carrying your plate any way you can, run around the building.  There is a 5 burpee penalty for setting your plate down outside of the box to be done before advancing.  There is a 15 burpee penalty for throwing your plate down.

Initially, I said I would do 3 rounds because I am a "beginner," but then another girl was doing 5, and I said, "FINE, if she's doing 5, then I am, too."  I knew I would be the last to finish, but I was determined to get it done...and with the prescribed workout, meaning I wouldn't use a shorter box or lighter weight. 

I'm in the black standing up about to do a box jump!

Essentially, you're doing a burpee and then jumping up onto the 20 inch box. 10 of these. Then you run around the building with the 25 lb plate.

 

Getting ready to jump...

And jumping! POW!

Box jumps always sound so much easier to me than they are in reality. However, I do love them. I love how you really have to slam your whole body to get up sometimes. POW!!!! It makes a huge noise. 

 I didn't actually carry my weight like this for long because my arms are so short. I ended up carrying it behind me, kind of on my back/butt. It looked awkward, but honestly, it's what worked best for me. Any other way just made my stomach hurt!!

By the fourth round, I thought about giving up. I honestly thought while running, "okay, four is better than three." But when I got back to the box, I just went for it. I knew I was last, but I didn't care since I was doing the prescribed workout! 

Two other people "ran" with me at the end. When I got back, I threw my plate on the floor and demanded a marker to write my time by my name. 29:13 rx!!! Seems like forever, but it was quick in my head.

And then I laid down.

 Sporting my CrossFit tank

Grieving process

Currently battling a cold--stuffy nose, tickle in the throat, etc. Annoying, right?

I wanted to touch on something quickly.

The last year, as you know, has been difficult for me. Okay, let's just say it: the last year SUCKED. Plain and simple.

The main aspect was my mother's death. Towards the end of 2011, I was incredibly depressed and angry. There was an entire weekend when I honestly think that Mirza was afraid for me because I laid in bed all day crying, cursing, and generally being miserable. That was a low point.

I don't know what studies say, but once we reached the one year mark (January 5th), it was almost like I entered into the "acceptance" stage of grieving. It's funny, though, because I was actually afraid of this date. I understand that we will go through the stages of grieving in no particular order, and may go back into the stages as time progresses, but I've definitely felt a shift of some sort.

On the anniversary of my mom's death, I decided to take the rest of her ashes from my closet and bring them to the beach, in front of one of her favorite spots: The Swigwam. This was a bar on the beach that looked more like a hut. People would write all over the wood, leave messages, koozies' hung from the ceiling etc. When we first moved to Florida, it was definitely one of her favorite spots to sit back and relax with her sisters when they visited (and have a few (+) drinks, of course).

My mother (left) and Aunt Deb enjoying the Swigwam

Since we have already scattered her ashes at Margarittaville in Key West (she would have loved this), and throughout her favorite spots back home in Massachusetts, including a lilac bush in my sister's yard, and her father and mother's grave site, the Swigwam was definitely the last spot on the list.

At first, I couldn't find it! The hotel it was associated with had been bought out by another company. I walked and walked down St. Pete Beach and finally stumbled upon the bar, but it was different. It was no longer the Swigwam by name, but it looked pretty much the same. I felt like I harbored a huge secret with my mom's ashes in my purse, but I walked up the stairs to the bartender and asked him, "Did this place used to be the Swigwam?" to which he replied, "Yes." I told him that's all I needed to know and made my way closer to the shore. I sat on a wooden chair and buried the rest of her ashes in the sand. At this spot, 18 years ago, you would have found a younger me building sand castles. I literally said out loud, "Bye Mom," and made the long trek back to my car. It wasn't a huge sentimental moment for me at the time. I was casual in my thought and process. I did what needed to be done!

 While it's sad that a piece of my family's "history" in Florida has been changed with the death of the Swigwam, I feel it's only fitting that it died along with my mother...

Since then, I've felt free. I don't know what happened. Maybe I am in the acceptance phase? There will be days that I will be angry, depressed, in denial, etc, but I think for now...I am accepting it. I feel good. And I hope I'm not speaking too soon.
It reminds me of a poem that my uncle Gary wrote (that my Grandpa "read" during her memorial service)

It's hard to be strong when you're fighting back tears

If you think of past memories as just wasted years.

Life can seem cruel and very unfair,

But you can't change the past; it will always be there.

Days may look darker, nights may feel long,
Things may seem different, but you have to be strong

The knots in your stomach may hurt deep inside,

The tension, and the anger, the hurt of your pride.

You try to be strong and keep it together,

But things just don't seem real and time takes forever.

Thousands of thoughts just whirl through your mind;

Your life, your future, you try to unwind.

Answers seem hard to the questions you ask;

You think to yourself, "how long will it last?"

The present begins as the past slips away.

It lasts only a moment, it's not here to stay. 

So look to the future and learn from your past.

The future starts now, 

But your memories will last.

So try to be strong when you're fighting back tears. 

Because memories are memories, and not wasted years.

I did keep a small amount of her ashes for one day when I do own a home, I can plant something pretty for her.

Friday's WOD, grad school, and wedding planning--oh my!

Are you getting sick of my crossfit posts yet?:)
Currently, I'm only doing crossfit twice per week, but the owner told me I could come in on Saturday! However, I work on Saturday:( I told him that I needed my crossfit fix (I can easily see this becoming an obsession) because Tuesday (our next on-ramp) feels like months away, so he let me come in today. Score.

Again, the terms for what we did still escape my mind at times...

This was only my 2nd WOD since I've been doing on-ramp classes. There were 3 guys, and then me!

He told us that this was an "easier" WOD. bah!

I began with a 500 meter row.

And then we warmed-up
We warmed-up with 2 rounds of:
- 10 sampsons (lunging/walk/stretch)
- bear crawls (crawling across the rubber floor like a...bear?)
- plank crawls (ughhh!!! ouch my wrists)
- 10 ___ : NO idea what these were called, but essentially, in a plank and then bringing legs up to meet hands quickly on each side

We then worked on hanging from the pull-up bar. I hung for one minute.< Insert curse words here.> It wasn't bad when doing it, but letting go: my palms were bright red with white spots. ouch, ouch, ouch. After this, we practiced hanging with swinging through and then stopping. Apparently, this is supposed to get you prepared for real pull-ups!

Onto the WOD:

For Time:

150 ABMAT Sit-ups

5 Push-up EMOM

Rest precisely 3 minutes, then:

150 Air Squats

5 Ring Dip EMOM

For sit-ups and squats, you will do 5 push-ups and 5 Ring Dips respectively, on the minute, every minute.  The faster each athlete completes their sit-ups the less push-ups are needed, and the faster the squats the less ring dips are needed.  Long rest periods are your enemy on this WOD, so be good to yourself and get it done.

Post total time.

 So, essentially, your goal is 150 sit-ups, but every minute, on the minute, you have to roll over and do 5 push-ups. If it takes you awhile to do sit-ups (like me!!), you'll end up doing even more push-ups!! Once you get to 150, you rest for 3 minutes in preparation for the second part of the workout. This is when you begin 150 squats, and on the minute, every minute, you stop and do 5 ring dips!  I modified my goal to 100 sit-ups/squats. Actually, he told me I could modify. At first, I was like, "NO, I CAN DO 150" in my head for about a millisecond, but I was on about sit-up number 75, and quickly agreed with him! ha.

The entire thing took me 14:55! Pretty certain that I will be cursing my mid-section by tomorrow morning...

This is the kind of photo you take after doing crossfit: completely blurry.

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Mirza is going on Monday after work to his first on-ramp/baseline workout!!! I could not be happier. I am constantly trying to get him to exercise or do anything, but he just doesn't. Not that he doesn't want to, but he always has the same excuse as everyone else. 

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After crossfit, I spent 2 hours in one of the study rooms at the library. We have our first 50 question quiz in Advanced Patho on Tuesday. It's weird to be studying again after three and a half years of just working. I used to be a study-aholic! 

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I am currently stressed out about wedding planning, or should I say, lack thereof! I've booked the venue, hired the photographer, and...that's it! I did go wedding dress shopping once, but nothing felt right. On the 1st, I'll be going again. However, I am constantly thinking about all I need to do: call caterers, taste testings, music, flowers, centerpieces, decorations, save-the-dates, invitations etc. It's so overwhelming. I just want to go to the court-house and call it a day at times. Never mind the costs! Our wedding will be small, intimate; only 35 guests! But, it still costs money! Oh, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I've been to one wedding in my entire life...

But I am sure all of the work that goes into the one day will be worth it when we've finally tied the knot.